Blogicide

Do you have those friends who start a blog and then slowly trickle away with their posts and updates until the blog anticlimactically explodes into nothingness? Welll.... I might be one of those friends... this might be one of those blogs.

I feel it has served its purpose, and that I stuck with it for long enough to produce some solid documentation of the last 2 years of my life/development/expansion/dissolution. At this point, I just don't have the will power to continue at all!

To give a current update, I have been in the Northern California/Southern Oregon area since my last posting. I've been working in the kitchen at Camp Augusta since May (except for a three week stint in Oregon @ the Lighthouse retreat center), and will be here working hard every day until September. I believe I will go to a fruit tree farm in Maui at the beginning of September, to do some meditating and simple living until my good friends' wedding in November. After that, we shall see!

So that's what I'm "doing" on a surface level. But to briefly fulfill the entire purpose of this blog, I will sign off with a short statement of what I've "found," how I feel--you know, a bringing it all home type statement.

I don't have any more questions about anything. All the big questions that left my mind restless have been answered, and I must say, I don't believe there is anything worth doing, accomplishing, or creating outside of me, outside of William/Will/Liam. There is no knowledge "out there," no fulfillment to find, no happiness to pursue. It would seem that through all the people I've met, books I've read, experiences I've had, etc., the only work I feel drawn towards at all is inside. In other words, I would like to devote a great deal of time, energy, &/or effort into focusing my attention inwardly. You know, treat it like a 9-5 type thing, a whole new life style. From what I have read/been told/experienced thus far--a whole lot is possible when we simply sit quietly and close our eyes, and wait. So that's what I'm going to do. A lot.

Nothing is "out there" but a relative, ever-changing Universe of ups and downs, sorrows & glee, a roller coaster of relativity. So I will go inside and see. See if there is anything more to mere changing forms. See if there is eternity, see if there is changelessness, repeatlessness. I will have to have patience. I will have to wait and see. :)

Much love to you all!!! & of course I will continue to communicate with everyone through the dozens of modern communication tools--facebook, email, cellphone, skype, etc. And hopefully in person!

Spring Light Emerging...

Greetings one & all.

Out of the dark, one month ago today. March 4th.

So much to recount in the darkness, sitting in one little room for 2 weeks. And so much to recount of my last month in the light as well. Where do I begin?

So was the darkness enlightening? Yes, I believe it was on a number of levels. My experience there was quite dynamic, ranging from all sorts of bodily sensations (wild buzzing of pituitary/3rd eye, pineal/crown), to various nightmarish and wild visions and dreams, with plenty of realizations and downloads of things that no longer serve me or anyone for that matter. I had dense, visceral, agonizing feelings of despair and helplessness and solitude. Feelings of pure joy and love and complete contentment. & on & on. I must say it was an amazingly rewarding experience on every level.

I will recount several quick stories, with a general lack of detail to allow you all to fill in your own imaginative details.

One day one I had to pee really bad. I couldn't hold it. And I got lost on the way to the bathroom. And I couldn't hold it. And I grabbed for whatever I could, and I grabbed a Tibetan singing bowl. And I didn't have to hold it anymore. But I had to use a lot of scalding hot water and Dr. Bronner's soap later to make sure the bowl wasn't tainted forever.

On another day I walked into the bathroom and stepped on what felt like tiny stones. And I reached for whatever it was, and they had a slimy texture, and they smelled funny. And I found out what the little stones were eventually. My darkroom retreat roommate-neighbor Rigzin had tried to dump rotten soaked almonds in the toilet, and she missed. Completely.

I remember realizing/thinking/feeling that nothing really matters, that my return to source is inevitable, but the glory and gift of being a human being right now is beyond imagination and probability, so I need to take advantage of every moment to its fullest, cultivating awareness more and more every day.

My pre-retreat post-retreat blood work analysis was profound. Before the Dr. said "this is very healthy blood." After the Dr. said "this blood is exemplary, vital blood." Wow!

I came out with a blonde strip of hair. How does that happen in the dark?

Since emerging into the light I have been living and working @ the Fix restaurant in Nevada City. Doing lots of fun experimentation with food. Learning lots about all sorts of concoctions--elixirs and teas and the sky is the limit. Watching movies, reading, and really becoming clear about what I'd like to do this year-where I would like to direct my energy. I will beginning a 5 month herbal apprenticeship April 22nd with an amazing herbalist in the area, Kathi Keville. And I am feeling called to possibly begin work on a Masters degree through Gaia University in October. More details on this craziness to come. :)

I've only just last night moved--you guessed it--back to the darkroom retreat center, just 3 miles or so away from the Fix! Can ya believe it? I will be staying here for the month of April, and will hopefully use this amazing space as a nice convenient transitionary lillypad to the next space, wherever that may be. One thing is for sure, I will be rooted down here until my Herbal program ends in August.

So that's all for now. Spring emerges here, and I am loving the light more than ever. I'm not going to pretend my body or mind is in some sort of radiant transcendent healthful state, but for some reason I feel more surrender to every moment than I have ever felt.

Come what may--I will do my best to give myself to the righteousness within me.

I love you all!

Darkness within Darkness

So the time is at hand. 3 days until I begin my dark room retreat @ Sierra Obscura retreat center in Nevada City. The basic structure of the experience is like this: a residential home in the Nevada City area has been converted to a retreat space. The downstairs of the house has 5 individual rooms and one community room, as well as several bathrooms and a massage room. The upstairs of the house is where all the food for the retreat-goers is prepared, and where various servers stay and operate during retreat times. The retreat begins with 2 days acclimating to the space in dim lighting, followed by 14 days darkness, ending with 1 day integration. Here is a blog site run by the center --->
http://sierraobscura.wordpress.com/category/benefits/

So the basic idea is that I will have ample time to go inward, to meditate and contemplate, to observe and attune my awareness, to recalibrate my physiological systems so used to and abused by sensory overload, as well as many other things. I intend to use it as a time to go deep, deep within. To contemplate the years past happenings, and to integrate and embody as many of these powerful teachings that have come through to me in the Tao de Ching. Healing, release, renewal, rebirth.

Rebirth. Going into the darkness, going into the womb to grow and develop and emerge anew.

Though I am excited about the experience, I feel it will be quite a challenge for me! Just the other day I sat down and closed my eyes for 5 minutes, and just watched my breath and meditated, & it seemed like an eternity! But it was only 5 minutes. So I really can't imagine just what my experience will be like for some 300-something hours in pitch black, but I imagine immersing myself in the dark for such a long time will enhance the light that much more, at the very least.

:)

So I want to tie in a few passages from the Tao De Ching to help me contextualize my experience before going in, & to give me a few things to contemplate and practice. I have chosen all the passages in the Tao that mention the word "dark" or "darkness." And perhaps on emerging from this womb I will understand these ancient phrases through my own experience, beyond any intellectualizing or theorizing. Perhaps...

1

The tao that can be told
is not the eternal Tao
The name that can be named
is not the eternal Name.

The unnamable is the eternally real.
Naming is the origin
of all particular things.

Free from desire, you realize the mystery.
Caught in desire, you see only the manifestations.

Yet mystery and manifestations
arise from the same source.
This source is called darkness.

Darkness within darkness.
The gateway to all understanding.

14

Look, and it can't be seen.
Listen, and it can't be heard.
Reach, and it can't be grasped.

Above, it isn't bright.
Below, it isn't dark.
Seamless, unnamable,
it returns to the realm of nothing.
Form that includes all forms,
image without an image,
subtle, beyond all conception.

Approach it and there is no beginning;
follow it and there is no end.
You can't know it, but you can be it,
at ease in your own life.
Just realize where you come from:
this is the essence of wisdom.

20

Stop thinking, and end your problems.
What difference between yes and no?
What difference between success and failure?
Must you value what others value,
avoid what others avoid?
How ridiculous!

Other people are excited,
as though they were at a parade.
I alone don't care,
I alone am expressionless,
like an infant before it can smile.

Other people have what they need;
I alone possess nothing.
I alone drift about,
like someone without a home.
I am like an idiot, my mind is so empty.

Other people are bright;
I alone am dark.
Other people are sharper;
I alone am dull.
Other people have a purpose;
I alone don't know.
I drift like a wave on the ocean,
I blow as aimless as the wind.

I am different from ordinary people.
I drink from the Great Mother's breasts.

21

The Master keeps her mind
always at one with the Tao;
that is what gives her her radiance.

The Tao is ungraspable.
How can her mind be at one with it?
Because she doesn't cling to ideas.

The Tao is dark and unfathomable.
How can it make her radiant?
Because she lets it.

Since before time and space were,
the Tao is.
It is beyond is and is not.
How do I know this is true?
I look inside myself and see.

41

When a superior man hears of the Tao,
he immediately begins to embody it.
When an average man hears of the Tao,
he half believes it, half doubts it.
When a foolish man hears of the Tao,
he laughs out loud.
If he didn't laugh,
it wouldn't be the Tao.

Thus it is said:
The path into the light seems dark,
the path forward seems to go back,
the direct path seems long,
true power seems weak,
true purity seems tarnished,
true steadfastness seems changeable,
true clarity seems obscure,
the greatest are seems unsophisticated,
the greatest love seems indifferent,
the greatest wisdom seems childish.

The Tao is nowhere to be found.
Yet it nourishes and completes all things.

52

In the beginning was the Tao.
All things issue from it;
all things return to it.

To find the origin,
trace back the manifestations.
When you recognize the children
and find the mother,
you will be free of sorrow.

If you close your mind in judgements
and traffic with desires,
your heart will be troubled.
If you keep your mind from judging
and aren't led by the senses,
your heart will find peace.

Seeing into darkness is clarity.
Knowing how to yield is strength.
Use your own light
and return to the source of light.
This is called practicing eternity.

----------------

Yes yes yes! Wow. So these passages fully illustrate my main intention for the retreat. To emerge from the darkness and be able to say, "Ah yes, I don't just understand this passage, I've experienced this passage." or better yet... ----> "I am this passage." Whoa! If I can say this about any one part of any one passage, I will feel fulfilled in my ~postmoderntao~ blog journey. Either way, I'm sure whatever I experience with will be rewarding. :)

So, 2 more quick things relating to darkness that have come up for me just recently, and that relate to the retreat @ hand and the postmoderntao blog. One is that I intend to have dark field blood work done before going in and after coming out. Dark field blood work is otherwise known as "live blood work," and contrary to light field work, examines a complete, living blood cell. Last time I had an analysis done, I saw some pretty incredible stuff. One of my white blood cells looked like Florida, and I said to the Doctor, "say, what's with this?" And the Doc said, "Well, don't you have some relationship to Florida?" And I said, "Why yes, I am going to a yoga retreat there this December, and I've been trying to arrange my transportation there for the past week." ----> So me thinking about Florida caused FL to literally show up in my blood. I have other friends who have seen some pretty wild stuff in there relating to their psyche, childhood, life experiences, things they need to heal or address to move forward, etc. One friend of mine had many of her blood cells in the form of yogini ballerinas. Cool huh?

The second thing related to darkness is that I have by chance met a fellow who is opening a sensory deprivation chamber retreat center (really its a "day spa") in the Nevada City area right before I finish my dark room retreat, and we have arranged for me to be picked up from Sierra Obscura on March 4th to go to one of the Sensory dep. tanks to see what that's all about! The chambers are basically big water holding tanks that were originally used to transport Dolphins. In this case the water is adjusted to body temperature and is loaded with epsom salts, so one can't feel the water and can easily float in it. This creates or simulates the very real experience of primordial womb conditions. Some people apparently have floated for as long as 6 hours, but I think a very common time is a 30 min. to 1 hour journey.
So that will put the cherry on the Sunday of the dark field work & dark room retreat. Dolphin tank anyone?

So okay, perhaps the picture I've painted of the coming 3 weeks of my life seems rather insane, but I embrace the possibility of deep transformation and realization, and hope whatever happens will be of practical use to me and my reality--all my friends and family, all networks, all my relations!

Much love all!

Revisiting the Rebirth, part 3.

Greetings friends and family!

I am pleased to write you all on this 1 year and 1 day anniversary of the Postmodern Tao blog. I must say, it has been quite a journey, and I feel what began as a seemingly haphazard exploration of some ancient, mysterious philosophies has really set the context for the last year of my life journeys, and in many ways has been the driving force behind so many experiences I've had.

Yesterday I officially completed my yoga teacher training, so I will soon (as soon as all the paperwork blah blah stuff is taken care of) be a certified Kundalini Yoga instructor. I've been blessed enough to teach several classes at the same yoga studio I took the training at, Shuniaa Studio in Nevada City. & I must say I really enjoy the teaching process, especially as it relates to yoga. My daily practice has been the most consistent part of my life for almost a year now, so it feels very natural to share the practice with others. :)

& so I feel I have so much I could say today, but all that comes to me now is just a deep gratitude to be alive, a deep gratitude that I have moved away from attachments and detachments into a field of experience that is more balanced & aligned with the simple desire to share the human journey with others and help as much as I can, without any expectation that anything I do will have this or that result. A deep peace has set over me, and words can't express how much I love you all.

I will be beginning a 2 week darkroom retreat starting February 17th in Nevada City, so I will be sure to post again before going in.

Until then, much love and gratitude.

:)

Revisiting the Rebirth, part 2.

Blessed friends & family, greetings.

I looked back over part 1 of this 2 or ? who knows how many part series, and don't feel inclined to follow the thread I left for me to pick up again. Well, perhaps I will in part, but not entirely. The flow I was feeling then was different than the one I am in now. And I posted that some 2 or 3 weeks ago. I was a completely different being then!

I do want to continue discussing these past 9 months since I first started the blog (almost a year now, the anniversary is Feb 1st!), beginning with a powerful lesson or series of lessons I have begun to integrate into my life, all involving the art of communication.

First, I want to define a really dicey word that is often tossed around. I want to define it as I experience it, or as I use it to improve the quality of my reality. The word is Karma. or karma. It sure is used a lot, & I honor however you (anyone reading this) relates to the word or defines it for yourself. For the purposes of this posting, I will define karma as anything that pulls me away from present experience.

I am experiencing this moment now. I am simply aware. Not thinking about anything, just feeling what I feel and witnessing the simplicity of the experience before me. But wait! My stomach is gurgling. It's saying "you have been treating me pretty well, but you could do better. Don't eat so much!"

I ate a lot of food today. Nothing too crazy, but still, enough to continue to experience this karma, or the consequences of this particular action. My tummy gurgles: karmic consequences. I pass gas: karmic consequences. Both consequences pull me away from the fullness of a dynamic, multi-sensory present experience. How can I experience the plane soaring over head and the birds chirping, and the sunset, and the wind blowing, and my bare feet on the grass and the sweat on my head and the music on the radio all at once when I feel heavy with food, when I feel heavy with anything that pulls me away from this fast range of experiences all happening at once?

Karma is a vampire-like entity that feeds on the energy of our present experience. There. That's it. These karma vampires have a life of there own, and continue to feed on our present awareness until we find a way to release them. Easy enough right? Anything right now that's pulling away from your full, present experience is a karma, so just trace it back to its origin a release it!

The food karma is one that comes up for me a lot, because I'm always trying to find balance, and eat the most healthy thing, or the seasonal local, or the raw or the super or the wild, or the blah blah blah. You know? If I drink the matrix-juice box loaded with high fructose corn syrup, then my body will be thrown out of balance and I'll experience the karmic guilt of putting that in my body, and so on and so on. So I'm always seeking balance with that.

But one reason I've had difficulty with food balance is because of subtle little karmas that are still in my body, exerting their influence over my appetite, telling me to eat this or that when I really don't need it. Liver parasites would be one example. I went and visited a number of health consultants and came to find out that I had liver parasites or liver "flukes," little karmic vampire entities telling me to put crazy things in my body to throw my liver out of wack and thus give them free rein to feed on me, my energy, etc. Crazy huh? So I've done a number of liver cleanses in the past months, and continue to be very clear and careful about the things I put my liver through, i.e., alcohol, overeating, sugar, processed foods, etc. And being disciplined with these things has helped me to tune into my body more and more, and find out what it really needs, rather than what the vampires need. And thus I experience an increase in present awareness, and henceforth a fuller life enjoyment. :)

Here's an interesting concept I developed after already publishing this blog posting. I feel it supplements the notions I've been bouncing around enough to edit it in, post-publishing. :)

Karmas::Present Awareness Feeders
Vampires::Energy/Blood Feeders
Mosquitos::Blood Suckers

And how does one repel vampires?

Garlic. Do you know what happens to your skin when you eat garlic? It radiates garlic essence, and a mosquito wouldn't dare come near you. It's one of the best natural mosquito repellents.

Garlic is also a powerful anti-microbial herb that has been used to treat typhus, parasites poor digestion, cancer, low energy, and a whole host of bacterias and viruses that have plagued people for centuries.

In Chinese medicine, garlic is a Yang food, a fire food. Fire, like light, like burning up vampires in the light, like burning through little karmic vampire entities in your body, bringing in the light.

Yah, yah, yah???



Other karmas related to the body could be some sort of trauma from a past physical or emotional injury. My groin occasionally hurts and pulls me away from presence, and I injured it some 10 years ago playing soccer! Emotional trauma is also stored in the body, and these types of karmas can be hard to release. They are a subtle sort of density that pulls away from the energy I could be devoting to this vast array of Now-experience I keep describing. And this density must be released!

But anyhow, the karma thing could also be thoughts that pull me away from the present. The "you shoulds" and the various obligations of modern society. Perhaps a deadline for a school paper, or waiting to get a pay check from work so I can pay a phone bill, or trying to buy a gift for this occasion or that. Anything that I am expected to do by my culture, my friends, my family. Any agreements I may have made, or intentions that I have set for myself. All of it could continue to haunt me and pull me away from my present experience. And this is where communication comes into play.

Over the past year, I have learned that not only do I have karmas from my past that I need to release, but I can so easily continue to create karmas through my relationships with not just food or my body or my thoughts or emotions, but my relationships with people. If I don't communicate my intentions clearly with people, and make straight forward agreements from the get-go, a karmic calamity could easily ensue. Its happened to me before, and now I do my best to skirt this silliness through the simple setting of clear agreements, with transparent intentions and straight-forward, honest expectations. If something goes wrong somewhere along the way, I do my best to relate that "hey, I've done my best! I am so sorry, I will continue to laser-beam my focus on X _____ agreement." That, or I make a new agreement.

The most important part for me has been simply having the courage to communicate everything clearly from the beginning, and if things go wrong somewhere along the way, having the courage to communicate, clarify, re-agree, and so on. It can be a tough one, but it saves me the annoyance of being pulled out of my present experience because I didn't pay so and so _____ $, or I forgot to call this person or give that person whatever, blah blah. The range of agreements and intentions that can be made are endless. The point is, constantly clarifying agreements and intentions from the get-go and as the process evolves has kept my karmic relations with others pretty clean. Communication is key!

I'm certainly not perfect. I've got plenty of agreements to fulfill now, but I'm doing my best. And this keeps my field of experience free of "oh I supposed to do this," or "Oh my gosh I should be doing that or I haven't done that or fulfilled this!"

I would say that main way I learned this in the past year was through all the different work trades I did, and the hitchkiking and bumming around without any money or a phone to speak of. It can be tough! And it can be fun too. But for me it was really painful if I failed to communicate. When I was honest, and related to people my penniless situation, I was almost always received with smiles and fed and nurtured. Every time I hitchhiked I would say from the beginning just where I was going, with no funny business, and no projecting expectations onto others.

I must say it was quite a journey, and it feels good to have developed some independence and self-sufficiency. But it doesn't mean that my passion for completely transparent communication has ceased in any way.

And I'm still finding balance. I think I can be too direct and intense at times. For instance, when people "you should" me in a conversation without me asking for it, I'm usually quick to point out the utter ridiculously of the statement, or how it generally feels terrible to me to be you should-ed. Like a few weeks back I was working on an art project, and someone said "you should put more love into that." To which I responded, "Hah! I should what? What should I do? Should shouldy shouldness?"

Wow, that word just lost all meaning for a second. I'm not even sure I spelled it correctly anymore. Well, the point is, even in the simplest of communications, subtle karmas arise and I am quick to pull off the disguise. The you-shoulds, the expectations, the energies that we subject each other to can be a karma that continues to arise in our reality lest we stand up for ourselves and strike it down before it takes on a life of its own.

That we may all communicate clearly and honestly, using our word in the pursuit of Truth, Joy, Love, Gratitude, & Righteousness.

What do all these words mean to you anyways?

To me they eventually mean zero-point. No karma, just a vast, multisensory experience, all happening at once. Pure present awareness, completely immersed in the fullness of beingness, the fullness that is this life.

I can't fully express love if I'm always thinking about this karma or farting because of whatever hamburger or milkshake. It's difficult for me to be fully in my truth (or my version of truth) if I haven't taken the time to express my intentions to them! Yes, these types of things.

So Karma. That we may burn up all of the karmas that limit our experience in all its beauty. That we may become expert vampire slayers, cosmic karmic destroying warriors, battling the demons within in the full pursuit of righteousness. That we may drop all the programs that keep our operating system from running at full capacity, and that we may continue to upgrade our operating system (our awareness, our conscious experience) more and more every day. & that we may enjoy the process along the way. :)

Welp, hope it wasn't too much blah blah. I love you all. Stay free, stay clear, en-joy!